Screw Amsterdam I'm going home!
by IhateMarySue'sSoooooMuch
Summary: The fourth grade class go on a field trip to Amsterdam and the kids all split up and cause chaos. P.S nobody tell Tom Cruise about this story because I don't want him sueing me. :(
1. The French suck

"Well here we are. Amsterdam." Kyle announced.

"…Yeah so?" asked Lola.

"So what?" asked the oblivious Jew.

"So why did you point out the most obvious thing in the world? Do you think we're retards? Everyone knows we're in Amsterdam so there's no need to state it."Craig said while flipping Kyle off.

"…I say chaps, where is-"

"Shut up Pip you British asshole!" snapped Cartman angrily.

"Huhuhuhu. Yeah! Being British is gay!" said Bill Allen.

"Yeah! Huhuhuhu! Totally gay!" parroted Fosse Mc Donald.

"So where do you think baggage claim is?" asked Bebe.

"Argh! They've probably been looking through our belongings!" blurted out Tweek.

Bebe raised an eyebrow "Who's they?"

"They! They're bastards!" shouted Tweek.

"Chap's I do belie-" started the Brit.

"Shut up Pip!" snapped Stan.

"What kind of a name is Pip anyway?" asked Jimmy who was not trying to be rude but was curious.

"Well I would prefer to be called Phillip but everyone calls me Pip because they hate me…"

"C'mon let's get our baggage." Stan said. The rest of the fourth graders followed Stan to the conveyor belts with their luggage. Almost nobody noticed someone important was missing.

"Um, chaps?"

"Not now Pip." snarled Stan.

"But our teachers not here."

"….What?" asked Kyle.

Pip looked around nervously. The entire class was staring at him.

"Mr. Garrison isn't here." Pip repeated.

"Goddamnit Pip! Why didn't you tell us earlier!" demanded Cartman.

"I tried to tell you when we were boarding the plane in Colorado but-"

_SMACK!_

"Stupid French loser…" muttered Cartman as all the fourth graders walked away. Pip got up rubbed his acing cheek and followed the others. Token stuck out his leg and tripped the Brit and Kevin Stoley spat on him.

"So wait, we can still get home right?...right?" asked Bebe a little desperately.

Wendy sighed "Mrs Garrison had the tickets."

"I wonder where he is?" asked Esther.

"He's probably gotten on the wrong plane and is now in Arabia singing about Christianity to Muslims." said Red.

**At the Hilton airport…**

"Aw this is bull crap!" shouted Mrs Garrison.

"Settle down ma'am." Instructed the security guard (the same one from "Fingerbang", "The Stick of Truth" and "Cartmanland").

"All I did was bring some toothpaste with me! How is toothpaste a threat?" the shemale asked. "I'm supposed to be in Amsterdam with- OH SHIT! Please sir you gotta let me go!"

"Ma'am step away from the door and sit back down."

Mrs Garrison tried to look as seductive and sexy as possible.

"But I have to go. I'll do anything if you let me go… _anything._"

The guard sprayed the teacher in the face with a very potent mace.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say-"

"OW GODDAMNIT THIS FUCKING HURTS!"

**Back in Amsterdam…**

"Stan you're being so immatu-"

"FUCKING BITCH!"

"Don't call me a bitch you ass-licking-"

"Whore!"

Wendy and Stan were fighting. They had barely spoken after the break up but when they did acknowledge one another they made rude gestures or swore at one another. The rest of the fourth graders looked bored. Even Lizzy (the girl in the pink hood who got abducted by a bear) who loved violence and swearing was bored. Most of the girls sat around discussing lists and plotting schemes.

Kevin, Red, Terrance, Bill, Fosse, Esther and Bradley were playing Mario Kart on their Nintendo's, Tweek was drinking coffee and sat beside Craig who was flipping off random people, Clyde sat asleep with a playboy on his lap, beside them and Token had his laptop out and was watching Tyler Perry on Netflix.

Timmy and Jimmy were working on a comedy routine, Dogpoo, Jason, Francis, Leroy, Mark, Gary and several other fourth grade boys were playing card games. Meanwhile Kenny was reading a porn magazine, Kyle was spinning a dreidel and humming a familiar song and Cartman and Butters were trying to interrogate some Chinese people. And everyone else was spitting on Pip.

Clyde felt someone nudge him awake. It was Craig.

"Dude you hungry?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I'm hungry I just travelled to a different continent so of course I worked up an appetite."

"Yeah well we're going to look for somewhere to eat."

"Did you ask Stan?" asked Clyde.

"He's not the boss of me! Besides he's kinda busy." Craig flipped off both Stan and Wendy although neither noticed.

A few seconds after Craig's gang left some security guards came over and told the remaining kids they needed to leave because they were causing a scene. The kids reluctantly left and once outside the airport they pondered what to do.

"So… what now?" asked Sally.

"What if we get mugged?" asked Millie.

"Or raped!" added Annie.

"Never fear! Mintberry Crunch is here! Bringing you the satisfying taste of-"

"Shut up retard!" snapped half the class. This was not the time for Bradley's superhero antics.

"I wanna go shopping." Stated Lola and there was a chorus of agreements from the girls.

"I don't think that's wise." Stan said.

Wendy glared at him. "Well y'know what? No one cares! So screw you Stan! I'm going shopping."

The girls all started to walk away and Stan sighed. He had a feeling things could get pretty bad if the entire class were allowed run around unsupervised.

**And so here's a shitty story about the kids running around Amsterdam based on a commercial I saw. Congratulations on reading this, you have just wasted four and a half minutes of your life and you won't be getting them back. This is based around season 9 or 10 when Garrison was a woman and Wendy and Stan broke up. I hope you enjoyed the first chap and hope that you might stick around for more. **

**Anyway I'm hoping to make all the chapters of this story three or four pages long because all of my other fanfics are short and in my opinion kinda crappy. But hey at least I try to write proper stories not just homo sex between teenagers! **

**P.S I know Bradley wasn't revealed to have superpowers during this season this fic is based around but all the kids know about his super powers except none of them believe him except for Kevin, Esther and all his other close friends.**


	2. Kevin Goddamnit!

"Where is everybody?" asked Token.

"Arrgh! They've been kidnapped! Oh God we're going to be kidnapped and raped as well! Jesus Christ! I should never have come here!" shouted Tweek.

Craig sighed, most people would simply slap their friends if they had a spaz attack but with Tweek you just needed to give him some coffee… with a little bit of Ritalin in it. Fortunately Craig always carried around a flask with some in it.

"They must've left without noticing our absence. See Craig I told you this was a bad idea!"

"Shut up Token!"

Clyde looked around desperately hoping to see the rest of his class. When he finally realised nobody was around he burst into tears.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAHAAAAA-"

_SMACK!_

"Shut up Clyde." Said Craig who had hit the other boy and then flipped him off.

Clyde sniffled and wiped his nose with his sleeve but his crying had attracted a security guard.

"What's going on here? Where are your parents?" he enquired.

"We came here on a field trip but our teacher missed the flight without us realising it. We left our class to go get some food but now they're all gone." Token explained. Clyde burst into tears when he finished speaking.

_SMACK!_

This time it was Tweek who done the smacking.

"Aargh! Getta hold of yourself man! Nngh!"

"I wonder where they all went?" wondered Token.

**At a café down the street…**

Kevin Stoley sat at the table with his friends playing Pokemon on his Nintendo and drinking tea. None of his friends were concerned about being stranded in Amsterdam. Bradley Biggle A.K.A Mintberry Crunch could probably teleport them home although the junior hero was still trying to control his powers and the last time he had tried to teleport somewhere he had ended up naked in the crocodile exhibit at a zoo.

Kevin sighed and said "So does anyone know if there's anything interesting to do in Amsterdam?"

"I think they have a museum nearby." Terrance said.

"Ugh a museum? I should've gone with the other girls." Moaned Esther, Red nodded in agreement.

The children made their way over to the museum which was a giant gray building made of stone. Once inside Fosse noticed something.

"Hey guys look!" Fosse pointed at a statue of a naked man. "That's gay! Huhuhuhu!"

"Yeah totally gay! Huhuhuhu!" repeated Bill.

Terrance sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Can't you plebeians go five whole minutes without saying something is gay? It is just so annoying and- Holy shit is that Tom Cruise?"

Everyone looked to where the genius was pointing. Tom Cruise an incredibly heterosexual man (or so he claims. I mean seriously, who does he think he's kidding?) was standing nearby with a camera, examining a statue of a naked man. Bill opened his mouth and before anyone could stop him shouted:

"HEY LOOK ITS TOM CRUISE!"

A number of people in the museum turned to look at the man.

"HE'S GAY!" shouted Fosse.

"YEAH TOTALLY GAY!" shouted both boys unanimously before bursting into laughter.

"Uh we should go-" Red started to say.

"Hey how many Tom Cruises does it take to screw in a light bulb?" asked Kevin. "None, because he'd rather dream about screwing David Beckham!"

Everyone except Tom Cruise burst into laughter. Red, Esther and Terrance grabbed their friends and ran out of the museum. When Red finished laughing she glared at Kevin.

"Kevin Goddamnit! What if he tries to sue us?" as soon as the words left her mouth Tom Cruise and two police officers came running at them.

Bradley and Esther looked at each other.

"Shall we run for our life's m'lady?" asked Bradley in a slight British accent.

"Oh yes lets! That sounds like a cracker of an idea!" she replied (also in a British accent).

The kids all turned and ran with Tom Cruise shouting behind them:

"I'm not gay! It's a conspiracy!"

Rd sighed and wondered what the other girls were getting up to.

**At a clothes shop nearby…**

"Wow Bebe those are really nice earrings."

"Thanks Wendy, I love your new shirt."

"You guys, you guys! I'm seriously you guys!" Lizzy ran up to the other girls and started to point to the other end of the store "It's Justin fucking Bieber!"

The girls all groaned.

"Christ I hate him!" snapped Wendy.

"I think he's cool." Millie said.

"Shut up Millie." Lizzy said with a scowl.

Everyone glared at the ginger before turning their attention back to Lizzy.

"I had the best idea ever! Why don't we kick him in the nuts and put the video up on YouTube!"

The other girls thought it over. Of course they could be locked in jail for many years for attacking a celebrity… but still he is Justin Bieber and nobody cares about the little faggot.

**One minute later…**

The girls (including a sobbing Millie) were running from a dozen police men but it was totally worth it to hear Justin Bieber crying like a three year old girl. It was tits. Hella tits.

**Nearby at a local strip club…**

"Daaaaaannnnnce! Would anybody like a daaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnce?"

"There's always one in every club." Kenny stated.

The four main boys were sitting in a strip club watching women stripping. Cartman was stuffing Cheesy Poofs in his mouth while he stared at two twins making out.

"Dude I am so hard." As soon as he finished that sentence Kenny took off one of his gloves and stuck a hand into his pants. "Awww yeah."

A male stripper dressed as a cowboy came over.

"Y'know kids shouldn't really be in strip clubs."

"What!?" shouted Kyle outraged "We are not children, we have dwarfism! How dare you refer to all little people as children!"

"Oh sorry my mistake."

"AW! DUDE! Cartman stop staring at that guy's penis!" exclaimed Stan

"I-I-I wasn't staring!" denied the fat tub of lard.

"Was so!"

"Was not!"

"Was so!"

"Was not!"

"Just come out of the closet Fatass everyone knows you prefer men." Kyle said smugly.

"Ay I'm not fat! I'm big boned!" defended Cartman.

"Yeah and Tom Cruise is just metrosexual." Kyle said sarcastically.

"Boys do you know it is illegal for children your age to be here?" asked a female stripper.

"We are not children! We are dwarfs!" shouted Kyle.

"Ay don't compare me with goddamn midgets! Midgets piss me off!"

"Cartman Goddamnit!" muttered Kyle.

**At the airport**

"Hey mister do you have the time?" asked Craig.

The Muslim man Craig had asked had kept looking at his watch for every few seconds and Tweek had hidden himself in the lavatory because he believed the man was a terrorist. Stupid Tweek, he watched way too many movies.

"Hey asshole I asked you-"

The man jumped up screamed something in Arabic and aimed a gun at Craig's face.

"…Sheeit." Said an African-American woman nearby.

**Four pages long. Wow this is the first time I've written something this long. Anyway we have four different groups of kids' doin a bunch of shit in Amsterdam. Craig's group, Kevin's group, Lizzy's group and Stan's group. Which is your favourite? Please review.**


	3. Tweek is badass

**At the airport…**

All of the people in the airport were kneeling on the floor with their hands behind their heads except for the airport staff who were all handcuffed. Two dozen Muslim terrorists were holding everyone hostage.

Outside the police were speaking through megaphones trying to convince the Muslims to let the hostages go. Eventually two Muslims spoke to each other in English.

"We need to show we're serious and kill one of the hostages!" said one.

"Yes but who?" asked the other.

"Uh, excuse me but shouldn't that be whom?" corrected Clyde.

Craig rolled his eyes before flipping his friend off.

"You'll do!" said the terrorist that Clyde corrected.

"NO WAIT! I-I-I! WAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAA! HAA!"

Before either terrorist could lay a hand on the crying child another terrorist walked over dragging Tweek with him.

"Argh! Jesus Christ please don't kill me! Nngh!"

"We found him in the bathroom." The other terrorist said in Arabic.

"I have an idea. Why don't we murder all the children? That will show those police sons of bitches we're not messing around!" said one in english.

The other Muslims agreed happily causing Clyde to cry louder and Tweek to faint. Craig casually flipped the terrorists off.

**Back with the four main boys…**

"Hey guys! Check out that whore!" Cartman snickered.

"How do you know she's a whore?" asked Stan curiously.

The boys were looking in the window of a house where a woman wearing nothing but sexy underwear was smoking a cigarette.

"Because all women from Amsterdam are whores!" answered Cartman causing Kenny to laugh loudly.

"Anne Frank wasn't a whore." Stated Kyle.

"Anne Frank was a fat Jew whore Kahl! Just like your mother."

Stan couldn't stop himself from smiling, both Kenny and Cartman started to giggle. It took Kyle a few seconds to react because he was staring at the women so intently.

"Shut the fuck up Cartman!"

The Jew shoved the male Honey Boo Boo but Cartman shoved him back. Kyle was shoved into Kenny who let out a muffled cry before landing on the tracks of the monorail. He was run over seconds later.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" exclaimed Stan.

"You bastards!" shouted Kyle.

"Screw Amsterdam I'm going home!" said Cartman before walking away casually.

The Jew and the boy in the poofball hat stared at the still twitching Kenny before following Cartman.

**With Lizzy's gang…**

"Goddamnit you better let me out of here or I'll tear off your cock and shove it up your haemorrhoid infested asshole!" shouted Lizzy from her cell which she was sharing with the rest of the girls at the police station.

Two policemen opened the cell door a few minutes later but not to release the pissed off girl. The policemen actually put several other kids in the cell.

"Esther? Red? Why are you here?" asked Bebe.

"_Somebody_ called Tom Cruise a homo." Said Red glaring at Kevin.

"Hey why are you looking at me like that I wasn't the one who started it!" said Kevin.

"Yeah but you made that joke." Esther said.

"What do you think everyone else is up to?" asked Fosse.

"Probably havin a gay orgy." Said Bill.

**Back at the airport…**

The terrorists from Al que- I mean Al qwed- ah fuck it who the hell came up with such a stupid anyway? Anyway the terrorists had a gun aimed at Tweek's head.

"Ah please! Don't do this! Why do you even want to blow up an airport and kill children?" he asked.

"They don't have a reason" said Craig "The author is just really lazy and stupid."

"OH SWEET JESUS I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

In his panic Tweek punched the terrorist holding him, took his gun and then started to blast the remaining terrorists who tried to take cover.

"See what I mean. That's just a lazy way to end the chapter." Said Craig while flipping off the author.

"Dude what are you talking about?" asked Token.

**In jail…**

"How are we gonna get outa here?" asked Millie "I don't wanna be in prison! Waaaaaa!"

Everyone groaned they had had enough of Millie's crying.

"Hey Wendy you could call Stan." Suggested Bebe.

"Why would I want to call that jerk!?" asked Wendy angrily "How the hell would a nine year old boy bail us out of prison!?"

"Stan always finds a way out of these situations." Pointed out Bebe.

Wendy sighed, she didn't want to admit it but it was true "Fine I'll call him.

**Later on…**

"Wendy I can't believe you were so irresponsible!" said her ex angrily.

"It wasn't my idea to kick Justin Bieber in the balls!" she protested.

"You could have tried to talk sense to the other girls!" Stan pointed out.

"They would have ignored me."

"Your just lucky Tweek took down all those terrorists or else the Mayor of Amsterdam would never have let you and the girls out of prison!"

Everyone sighed as they boarded the plane.

"Goddamnit why can't you two just shut up already!" snapped Cartman angrily.

"Shut up Fatass!" said both kids at the same time.

"Don't call me fat butt fuckers! Respect my Goddamn authoritah!"

**And so our story ends. Thanks to the brave and noble Tweek hundreds of people were saved from the terrorists and the mayor of Amsterdam was kind enough to let all the kids go home.**

"This was just sooooo horrible a fanfiction. Twilight was better than this garbage."

**Shut up Craig! AY don't flip me off!**

**Uh… the end I guess… anyone who reviews gets a cookie shipped to their home address.**


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